What Is It Really Like to Go Out Uptown?

You dream of partying on the Champs-Elysées? We help you get ready for it. Money has no smell but opportunists have intuition. You have the floor for club-bling.

Above all, we should define what “uptown” means. Here, it is the area including the renowned golden triangle bounded by the Champs-Elysées, Avenue Georges V and Avenue Montaigne, and embracing all the neighborhood’s annex streets, such as Rue la Boétie or Rue Ponthieu.

After stylizing your most treasured outfit and directing your Uber driver to the “west side please”, several options open up to you. From experience, I know there are countless ways to have fun on the Champs, depending on your mood, your desires … your budget! Caution only true stories revealed ahead.

9 p.m.: Getting Ready: Watch Out Lack of Taste

For men, two dress codes confront; clachic: well-cut dark jeans, fitted white shirt, and black shoes tightly polished. Versus Kanye (from the) West: The Most Stylish Man of 2015 according to GQ likes to play with lengths and tone on tone; Paris’ golden youth tries it too, with varying degrees of success. In both cases, wearing haute couture brands is an advantage, as owning a Swiss watch with a huge dial is.

If you are a woman, your choice is limited: you have to wear a dress and stilettos, preferably with red soles.

10:30 p.m.: Starting With a Drink: Avoid Escorts

The gorgeous cocktail dress woman who has been smiling at you the last 10 minutes is not more sensitive to your charm than is Adriana Lima. But you might choose to sleep with her anyway! Escorts, as they are now known, abound in bars where the gin tonic is charged more than €15. ‘Sex for sale’ is not a myth; you are currently experiencing what television coverage widely shows!

 

Une photo publiée par Fan Bgn (@fanfan_bgn) le

12:30 a.m.: Trying to Go Clubbing: Handle Bouncers

Ladies if the match seemed to hold against you, you will be able to catch up during the evening. In fact, guys will hardly enter without your valued help, so they will come pick you up at your place, wait without bitching that you complete your brushing, and will even pay your entrance fee – it is always a €20 saving – or, otherwise, they will invite you at their table and let you knock back their vodka for not a single penny.

Jay-Z was right, “you can pay for school but you can’t buy class”!

Warning: while they are at it, some evil-minded men will get you drunk, try to bring you back home dead drunk, and gently abuse your inert body, after having held your hair while you threw up. The regular uptown man is not necessarily the most gentlemen. Jay-Z was right, “you can pay for school but you can’t buy class”!

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Gentlemen, the party is not over yet! You will have to fight with the bouncer and his ready-made replicas. If you have followed right, you will avoid the unstoppable “gentlemen, come back in good company.” Yet, you will not be shielded from the “I do not know you,” “this is a private party”, “your friend’s eyes shine” – on the pretext that he has forced on vodka a little – or “sorry, mandatory common projects” (why not!).

1:30 a.m.: Getting in the Club With a Bottle of Alcohol: Beware the RKOI Who Will Always Have More Money Than You

To sweep away such pitfalls and hit the jackpot door opener, there are chances that you had to take a carré, i.e. a table with at least three bottles of alcohol. A small precision for beginners: this is a common practice. A disguised extortion means for some, a way to fight against all forms of discrimination – except financial – for others. One can “buy” his entrance, by guaranteeing a certain amount of alcohol consumption.

Operation results: -500€ on your bank account, tips not included

But this is not the most ridiculous. Ordering bottles in this kind of nightclub also means you will be eligible for a true staged service.

A moment of ephemeral glory: the music stops, Star Wars’ theme resounds, the whole club stares at you, the waiters arrive with a giant bucket flickering with sparklers; your three bottles are placed. You are the club’s prince!

 

The king of the night even … until the stranded barely pubescent RKOI next table orders eight bottles of champagne, served in a coffin, borne at arm’s length by six waiters. He has snatched the crown from you! All night you will have to fight and show that “you have the biggest” in order to hope to use it a few hours later…

2 a.m.: DJ Sets: Get Ready for Spotify Playlists

To attract customers, and the dollars that match, party organizers are constantly looking for new concepts. Yet nothing will ever surpass the timeless live performance.

Plan A: a DJ set. We are not in Berlin so forget your expectations about a sharp selection. Uptown, for one to two hours, a mainstream DJ plays hits non-stop, without really mixing them, while raising his arms into the air to encourage the cheering crowd to stir on the dancefloor. Unless he simply waves to his targets?

3 a.m.: Concerts: Watch Out You’re Not in Bercy

Plan B: a concert. Often, it stages a fully smashed rapper who will lip-sync 20 minutes, for the modest sum of €50,000, after having emptied backstage alcohol emergency rations and smoked big joints. Enough to delight an unleashed horde of groupies – shouting the artist’s greatest hit’s lyrics in a disastrous franglish – and guys waving their fingers in every direction, clumsily imitating the gangsta poses of their evening hero.

 

Une vidéo publiée par FAT JOE (@fatjoe) le

3:30 a.m.: Ending Up in a Striptease Club: Careful, Don’t Touch

€30 entrance fee with a drink included. After cheering up some Bachelor Party, whisking future husbands in trunks, and grooving on the central stage while gazing lustfully at you as they were rubbing themselves on the pole dance bar, the pretty dolls from here to China (and especially Eastern Europe), will offer you wild private dances at prohibitive rates. Under the amused eye of local dealers and businessmen – regular clients of the club.

Be careful, touch with your eyes only, otherwise you will be knocked out by the bouncer!

Pro-tip: focus on such places weeknights. Facing the restricted number of customers, the dancers will have no option but be more pleasant and talkative than during the weekend to gain your favors. Tonight, unfortunately, it seemed you were in a factory: your exchanges were limited to the perennial “hey, you wanna dance?” for the more talkative of them, to a nod in your direction for the others. Girl power!

Evening track record: Dior shirt stained; authorized overdraft clearly exceeded; five contacts with females – two escorts, one cloakroom attendant, two dancers; tinnitus for the rest of the evening. When you think that your cousin had invited you to a Survivor (Koh-Lanta) show night…

Do not worry, there is still good places to go out in Paris far from this neighborhood. Check out our Paris city guide.

Julien Giacalone As far as Julien can remember he always wanted to be a gangster. Unlike Henry Hill, he mostly became a writer. But a strong part of him is still anti-establishment. Which part? Only the good half.
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